It is said once you learn how to ride a bike, you never forget.

Whoever said that is an asshole.

A few weeks ago, I took bike lessons for the first time and after the 2 hour endeavor, I was deemed ‘fit to ride a bike’. So I went out and bought a bike to hone my new craft.

After 2 weeks of practicing, not only do I still suck at riding this thing, I think I am getting worse.

For example, this morning it took me three times to even get started. I either didn’t push off hard enough or just steered into the dirt. It was such a sad display I think baby Jesus was up in heaven laughing at me. After I got started, I was swerving all around the road and almost ran into a trash can. I never have done that in the past, what the hell is going on? I think I am de-learning how to ride a bike the more I do it.

I already knew I had the balance of a dead tightrope walker, so this cycling thing was going to be a chore from day one. But I see all sort of people biking: fat people, thin people, 5 year olds, homeless people. Is it possible I cannot obtain a skill a pre-schooler has?

My courage and confidence are at an all-time low right now. You know what part of my body was absolutely exhausted from my 15 minute shit show? Not my quads. Not my glutes. My forearms.

My forearms? Why? Because whenever I am going any speed, shear terror envelopes me and I tense up more than an Irish whore at confession.

This is what I feel like on the bike:

This is what really is happening:

I really need to relax, huh?

After 2 weeks of practice, I thought by this time I would be ready for the Tour de France. Now I think they won’t even allow me in the country due to my pathetic cycling skills.

Oh well, maybe by next week I’ll regain some of my past biking excellence. Or maybe I’ll devolve into an invalid who cannot even balance on anything with two wheels.

We will find out together in a few days……