Oh, Donald Trump. It is like we never knew ye.

I mean at first we just thought you were a narcissistic blow-hard. Then we saw the racist and bigoted side. Then we saw the malicious and mean-spirited side. Then we saw thin-skinned and petty side.

One would think all of those character flaws would be enough to not win the presidency. However unbeknownst to me, that is not the case. At least in an America chock full of gullible idiots.

But this latest character flaw takes the cake.

Apparently our president-to-be is a Russian spy; Donaldir Trumpovski.

If you go by the alleged intelligence reports leaked out by Buzzfeed, Mr. Trump, the man that garnered around 63 million votes, is in cahoots with Russia dating for over 5 years. These ties come in the way of real estate deals, covert under-the-table agreements, and other shady business dealings.

Oh yeah, he also hires hookers to pee on Obama’s hotel bed.

What’s even better is that Russia has proof of all of these indiscretions and is possibly blackmailing Trump in hopes of forcing him to turn a blind eye, or go easy on Russia and let them do all of the things they want to do (such as take over Crimea, Eastern Europe, and pretty much the entire world).

Now I am not sure how much of this we are to believe or how much is even provable. All I know is that it is all over the news. Even credible news agencies such as BBC, CNN, etc are picking up on this info while Breitbart and National Enquirer, (which for some reason has delved into the political realm and is apparently farther right than Pat Buchanan) is vehemently denying all innuendo of possible Trump misdoings. When in doubt, I believe the opposite of Breitbart.

I personally believe that Trump knew the Russians were siding with him before the election. This would explain the previously unexplainable stance that Trump has had towards Russia for the past 6 months. I mean to go out of his way to compliment Putin? Even when unprompted? That was not winning him any votes. And to dismiss American intel before receiving it? There is no reason for this other than he had a sense of where all of this could possibly go. I am not sure if the details matter too much on his alleged business malfeasance, all we really need to know is that all of this feels really weird. And awkward. And crooked. And deep.

Even though I still do not refer to myself as an American (I mean even without all of this juicy Russian gossip, he should have never received one vote), this Trump presidency is pretty much the most awesomest thing I have ever lived through. It is so rich with intrigue, scandal, global espionage, and international ramifications. It is like a John Le Carre novel, except I don’t feel like falling asleep during this one.

But I have to admit my favorite part of all of this is part with the pee-whores. I mean really, I think we all saw this one coming. I would be surprised if Trump didn’t do this. Can you get more info on Pee-Gate Buzzfeed? Inquiring minds want to know.