10. Orange Juice (possibly an Orange Julius)
There is nothing better to start your last day on earth than a cold, refreshing, tall glass of orange juice. Freshly squeezed with a tad of pulp, not too much because I don’t want to be sucking an orange, OJ will be a setup for the days activities. Also it has nutritional value, so no guilt. Wait, it is my last day……
9. Bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats
I always enjoyed these little guys. To good people at Kellogg’s are not frugal with the sugar, and everyone knows I love me some sugar. You know my favorite part of sugar? The taste. Also being constructed from quality wheat, a staple of the Kellogg’s cereal catalog, there is no guilt. Wait, it is my last day……
8. Toasted English Muffin w/Butter
No one does muffins better than the English. Need proof? Ever had an Egg McMuffin? They are pretty, pretty, pretty, good. But for this last meal, I need to make room for the heavier entrees. So for this light fare, a slightly toasted muffin on English descent would be plenty. Of course with a fat pat-o-butter. I mean I want it light, but I am no barbarian.
7. Ruby Red Squirt
The creme de la creme of the Squirt world, this soda tastes like drinking a perfectly ripe grapefruit filled with red stuff. No one but the inventor of this elixir, Jack Ruby, knows exactly what the red stuff is. But what we do know is that it is delicious. A great balance of sweet, tart, and sour, Ruby Red Squirt complements everything.
6. French Fries from Eegee’s
Whether or not I decided on the Ranch fries is still up in the air, but what is decided is that Eegee’s fries should be in my mouth during my last lunch on earth. For those who don’t know, Eegee’s is a sandwich chain in Tucson which has many good things to eat. But I would say their fries are their best. Not too salty, not too crisp, and plenty of potato, Eegee’s fries makes any day a better day. And at this point, I better have a good day.
5. Luke’s Italian Beef Sandwich
I like marinated meat. The juicier, the better. Luke’s, a Chicago-Style food hut in Tucson that was founded by ex-Polish gangsters that went into exile much like Yoda to Dagobah, is a greasy, dirty, fly-ridden cesspool of delicious food that is as heavy as it is filthy. You simply cannot eat one of these sandwiches without looking like you entered a warzone. Juice everywhere on your face, hands as sticky as rubber cement, stomach working overtime to digest this thick mass of beef. This is what lunch should be about.
4. Deschute’s Black Butte Imperial Porter XXIV
No final dinner would be complete without my favorite beer of all time: the Deschute’s Black Butte Imp Stout Year XXIV (that’s 24 for the non-Roman readers). I wrote a review on it previously, and I still stand by the fact this is the richest, heartiest, deepest, roastiest, most fantabulous beer that I ever decanted down my beerhole. You will see in the next few entries how this beer will perfectly complement the entire meal.
3. Baked Potato w/All the Fixings
It is clear to see I am a meat and potatoes type of guy. But who wouldn’t be when presented with a big, fat, potato that was expertly baked, and adorned with such fixings as sour cream, chives, cheese, baco bits, and butter? I have always said the potato is the canvas of condiments. Whether it is ketchup, mustard, hot mustard, not-as-hot-but-still-spicy mustard, Frosty’s, various dairy-based condiments, or just butter, nothing provides a more sold foundation of flavor than the potato. Be it fried or be it baked or be it mashed, the potato is a friend of all other foods. To not opt for our good buddy in baked form for a last meal is maybe not against the law of government, but is against the law of decency.
2. Porterhouse Steak, Medium Rare, on a Charcoal Grill (Worchester Sauce Marinated)
Steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak. Steak is gooood. Steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak. Steak is really gooood. Steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak steak. Need I say more?
And is there a better cut of steak than the House of Porter (I guess I needed to say more….)? We can debate this fact until the cows, or the very early stages of steak, come home. But I think all people can agree that steak, in any form, should be involved in a final meal.
Well, unless you are some sort of weird vegan person or someone without taste buds.
1. Dairy Queen Heath Blizzard w/Chocolate Ice Cream
This would be the final thing I would want in my mouth before I egress from this mortal coil; a large DQ Heath Blizzard (chocolate of course). I know it is not the fanciest dessert one can have. I know it is not a sophisticated ending to a meal, or what the elitists would call ‘civil’. But you know what? Fie to all of them!!! DQ is a magical place where faeries grant wishes and unicorns fart rainbows. But even more magical than that is the Heath Blizzard. You want toffee? BAM!!! You want chocolate? BAM BAM!!! You want creamy brown ice cream to accompany all of these flavors? BAM BAM BAM!!!! Who is your favorite Flinstones character? BAM BAM!!!
OK, that last joke was about as stupid as it gets. But I will tell you what is the opposite of stupid……eating a DQ Blizzard with Heath Bar chips in a sea of chocolate ice cream. That is sooooo not stupid.
Hmmmm, that last day can’t come soon enough. :)