10. Wear Kitchy T-Shirts
I know some of these shirts are funny and may represent your interests and style of humor and wit like nothing else. But c’mon now. Grow up! And start wearing what other adults wear, like tuxedos and top hats.
9. Listen to Any Pop Music Made After 2010
Pop music ain’t like what it used to be. Back in the 80’s, we had such geniuses like Madonna, Michael Jackson, and Prince. In the 90’s Right Said Fred, NKOTB, and Boyz-2-Men. Now…..nothing. NOTHING!!! Pop music is for pre-teens, and guess what? You are not a pre-teen anymore. If you think Taylor Swift is the songbird of a new generation….c’mon now! Grow up! Listen to adult music like symphonies and improv jazz.
8. Eat Candy and Consider It a Meal-Replacement
I like candy, a lot. But it simply does not have the nutritional value as…say….food. So even though ti is tempting to eat a bag of cookies and call it breakfast, it just is not. So if you are doing this at all, c’mon now! Grow up! Eat adult things like parsnips, broccoli, and gluten-free chicken.
7. Read Young Adult Literature and Say You Are an Avid Reader
There is nothing wrong with reading easy things like young adult lit. But please, do not make this your regular diet of ingesting words. I mean they are for kids, hence the name ‘young adult’. And make no mistake about it, just because the word ‘adult’ is in there, does not make that form or prose worthy enough to deem you a scholar. So if you are reading Breaking Dawn and labeling yourself a bookworm, c’mon now. Grow up! Start reading adult material, like Ulysses, Tess of the D’Uberville, or Penthouse.
6. Laugh at Fart Sounds
OK, I know some of you out there still giggle when hearing a ‘pffft’ sound. But let’s quell some of that noise right now. It is a natural body function, and as adults we should not laugh at others when they spew out gaseous fumes from their anus. Now if there was a turd involved, I would agree with some laughter, but not just air. So if you are still ‘lol’ing after one busts a silent but deadly blast of odor, c’mon now. Grow up! Start laughing at more adult things like Johnny Carson, Seinfeld reruns, and other non-fartlike humor.
5. Stay at a Hostel
Yes, I know it is cheaper than a hotel, but there is a reason for that. It is like staying in someone’s dorm room, but messier. This maybe an OK place to be if you are a 20 year old pretentious self-entitled ass backpacking across Europe to ‘find yourself’. But if you are an adult, you need not associate yourself with this whole scene. So if you are going to travel to Italy and feel the urge to slum it up a bit, c’mon now. Grow up! Be an adult and stay at a Ramada Inn.
4. Talking Trash in an Adult’s Sports League
Playing in a city league; OK. Playing in a competitive city league; uhhhh maybe. Acting like you are playing for a spot on the Boston Red Sox; super lame. Trash talking to the other team like you are going to ‘get in their head’; you are more pathetic than the My Pillow guy. These leagues are supposed to be just for fun and some light exercise, stop running it for everyone else and shut up. So if you think your ‘game’ is so mad that you need to tell everyone about it during play, c’mon now. Grow up! Start acting like an adult and get involved in more adult hobbies like knitting and clipping coupons.
3. Skateboard….Ever
Is there anything sadder than seeing an adult male skateboarding around the park in some last ditch effort to reclaim the youth they lost years ago? Not really. It is sad, so so sad. What compounds the shear sadness of this is that guy is completely oblivious to the overall pathetic situation he has placed himself in (I guess it could be a ‘she’ as well, but let’s face it, it is always a ‘he’). Skateboarding is for disenfranchised white middle schoolers who think the world sucks, so th rebel they decided to skateboard, or whatever. Skateboarding is NOT for 30ish people….ever. So if you are skateboarding for any reason, even going to work, c’mon now. Grow up! Get to work in a more adult way, like by bus, motorcoach, or blimp.
2. Refer to People as ‘Man’, ‘Bro’, or ‘Dude’
I am not your ‘bro’, your ‘man’, or a ‘dude’ of any sort. So stop calling me, or any adult for that matter, ‘bro’, ‘man’, or ‘dude’. What is crazy about this fad is that I sometimes get greeted by strangers in the same way. Say what? We are not in high school anymore, we are not playground chums, and we certainly know before and more respectful ways to address each other. So if you are stilling referring to your ‘posse’ in a way that is not fitting of a proper adult, c’mon now. Grow up! Starting greeting your fellow brethren using monikers like ‘Hello kind sir’, ‘Well, good day my old friend’, or ‘Nice to see you again, let me doff my hat to properly greet you’.
1. Watch MTV for Any Reason
MTV’s target audience is naive teens that think MTV is an accurate depiction of the outside world; filled with beautiful people always having a good time. Well, guess what? It is not!! The world is filled with pain, misery, and ugly people having a hell of a time with it. Other than the fact that MTV commits to a shameless amount of advertising; trying to get a young demographic hooked on products and shape buying habits for a new generation is sort of nefarious (but smart), they just have so much shitty and sophomoric content on their channel. But mainly….IT IS NOT FOR YOU! Remember, it is for 10-16 year olds, not you! So if you are still peeking into MTV every so often, justifying this by claiming it is your attempt to stay with ‘what is hip’, c’mon now. Grow up! Start using your TV time in a more mature and less creepy way, like by watching the news, PBS, and historically based dramas like Roots or John Adams.