10. ET
ET is iconic. ET is a movie seen by everyone. ET is loved by most. So why isn’t ET higher? Well, ET sort of sucks. First off, if an alien has visited Earth and he is hanging around, that would be the most important thing to ever happen in mankind…..and it wouldn’t be even close. So why are we rooting for the government to NOT capture him? I would demand that this thing would be nabbed, questioned, probed, etc, so we can figure out what the hell is going on. Yet we as an audience are supposed to root for Elliott and co. to hide him from the world? The most important event in human history is supposed to go unnoticed? C’mon now. Also, why in the hell does ET have magical powers? He can all of the sudden heal wounds with his light-finger? He can make bicycles fly? What the hell are you ET, a wizard too? Can you also slay a Balrog? Can you fight Voldemort? Why the hell not, you can do all sorts of other stupid shit that is completely out of nowhere. ET as a movie is just littered with inconsistencies and crappy logic. But I love John Williams and the theme music so much, so he gets to be on the list.
9. Brain Bug
Peter Verhoven makes movies that are just fun to watch. And Starship Troopers is an underrated movie. But on to the Brain Bug…..let me tell you about this guy. He is wicked smart! He and his brethren (yes, I am assuming it is a he) organized an all-out attack against we humans and almost prevailed. Any military strategist knows it is much harder to attack someone’s land instead of defend it. And let’s face it, this fight was close; 50/50. But there was one thing the Brain Bug didn’t account for…. Casper van fuckin’ Dien!!!!
8. Gort
Gotta give some love to the old school aliens; without them paving the way there may not have been movies like Alien or Aliens or Aliens 3 or Aliens 4 or other alien movies I can’t think of right now. Granted, Gort was a robot and not an actual being, but he came from outer space so that is alien enough for me. What I like about Gort is that he stood still pretty much the entire time, in a movie named ‘The Day the Earth Stood Still’. If you don’t appreciate that tie-in, well then you are sort of lame. There, I said it.
7. Tribbles
Star Trek has many thought-provoking episodes laced with interesting ideas of the universe and we as a current society. ‘Trouble with Tribbles’ was not one of those episodes. Yet it is probably the most famous episode ever in the Star Trek universe. So why is that? Because those tribbles are so damn cute and adorable! They also reproduce as fast as a Mormon family. The tribbles have been the source of inspiration to future aliens (see #3) and stuffed animal manufacturers around the world.
6. Mysterious Aliens from 2001
I can’t tell you how much I love this movie. Actually, I probably can. I love this movie a lot. This movie challenges me a viewer like no other piece of science fiction ever has before. The symbolism and deep existential ideas this movie depicts is so thought-provoking, after I see it I spend literally days after trying to decipher the inner meanings and messages of this work of art. I know there are no aliens seen in the film, but they are there…..lurking in the shadows……..maybe behind that monolith…….maybe under your bed! We just don’t know. But one thing I do know is that these guys are the sixth best aliens I’ve ever encountered.
5. ALF
ALF, or Alien Life Form, was a huge commercial hit for NBC in the mid-80’s. There were ALF pogs, ALF cereal, ALF detergent, ALF tampons, etc. And why not? He was frickin’ hilarious! Whether it was ALF attempting to eat the family cat, hiding from those zany neighbors the Ocmonics (fun fact: the Mrs. Ocmonic later played Jerry Seinfeld’s mother), or trying to return to his home planet of Melmac, ALF tickled the funny bone of America and made us all believe in laughter again. Then 1990 hit and it was canceled. But the memory still remains……
4. Alien/Prometheus Creator
How can a list of best aliens ever leave out the xenomorph? Although I find the creators of mankind from Prometheus far more interesting and intriguing of a story line (also the creators are virgin to the hands of James Cameron), I know I would get too much grief from others if I put them on and not the xenomorph. So you have a tie! Deal with it. The xenomorph is so ingrained in our pop culture, it has sprouted such spin-off franchises like ‘Alien vs Predator’ and ‘Prometheus’. And the creators are just so interesting to me, I had to include them as well. Again, deal with it. Thank you HR Giger for creating such interesting visual creatures and reminding us that when it comes to creepy artistry, the Germans still dominate.
3. Ewoks
Ewoks are just so damn cute. They seem so harmless, waddling around, bumping into things, etc. But they are fierce! Just give them rope, spears, rocks, and various booby traps made of logs, and you have a force that can topple the Intergalactic Army armed with lasers and mini-ATATs. Other than being a major reason why the Empire did not win the final battle in ‘Return of the Jedi’, they also tried to eat humans! Remember they were cooking up our Rebel friends for supper until Luke bailed them out. Yes, the Empire was that close to finishing the deal if only the Ewoks were able to feast upon the flesh and bones of Han and Leia after they were slowly roasted like a pig at a luau. Now there would be an interesting alternative ending for Lucas to explore in his next rehash of the original (and you thought Game of Thrones was grotesque). But luckily they were not eaten, the Ewoks dominated on their home turf of Endor, and we had a fun teddy bear party at the end where they played music on the dead Stormtrooper’s hollow helmets like some sort of morbid xylophone. Is there any movie ever made where Ewoks would not have improved the quality of the film? Casablanca could have used an ewok or two. Gone with the Wind? Frankly my dear, ewoks would have gave a damn. In the Godfather, shoot the ewok, eat the cannoli. Kind of think of it, there is one movie that may not benefit from ewoks…….
Return of the Jedi.
2. Liara T’Soni
Mass Effect is one of my favorite video games of all time. The story is rich with back stories, mystery, and compelling characters. Liara is my favorite of those characters. She is kind, smart, always willing to cooperate on these low-probability suicide missions Shepard plans out, and is excellently voice acted. She is also the main love interest for you in the series. Weird huh? Alien/human romance? Well, it sort of is. But the story is so well told and Liara is such a great character it doesn’t feel out of bounds. Sort of like Joaquin Phoenix falling in love with his computer in ‘Her’: well told stories can manipulate you into feeling almost anything. I know most of you readers have never heard of her and probably think this is too high of a rank for someone no one knows. To that I say ‘shut up and make your own list!!!’.
1. Predator
This movie is so awesome, and it is such a surprise on first view. I mean the beginning of it is a story about a small combat unit trying to attack a guerrilla war group in the jungle. Then all of the sudden….BAM!!!!! There is an alien…or shall I say ‘predator’…. out there hunting humans for sport. And guess what? The predator was winning. That is until this guy came around:
Oh yeah, you don’t mess with Dutch! Not even intergalactic hunters can quell this man’s inner drive to stay alive and get to that choppa!
Anyway, the predator is just a cool character and definitely a fitting #1 for greatest alien of all time. He is tough, merciless, and even willing to kill himself in order to defeat his prey. That is the type of dedication that is rare to find in alien beings. I don’t see ALF or ET doing anything that bad ass.