Zombies are huge in pop culture right now. Sort of like vampires, zombies are hitting an all-time high in terms of TV exposure, video games, novels, and nerd t-shirts. And I don’t pay attention to any of it.

This is not because I hate zombies; they seem nice enough to me. The issue I have with zombies is that there is no consistency in the way zombies are portrayed.

In other words: what is a zombie?

Walking Dead, Resident Evil, Dawn of the Dead, the Treehouse of Horrors Simpsons episode, World War Z, etc: in all those cases zombies are different beings.

From what I gleaned, there are three types of zombies:

• Beings that were once dead that now are reanimated; an ‘undead’ being. By the way, what the hell does ‘undead’ mean?

• Humans that have been infected with some sort of disease that makes them walk slow and moan.

• Heavy metal rockers that feel so good and feel so numb.

So what the hell is it, people who like zombies? I need a standardization of the definition. There is for ‘werewolf’ (half man half wolf), there is for ‘vampire’ (creepy immortal guy who drinks blood and has fangs), and there is for ‘Frankenstein’ (dead guy in a blazer who is now alive due to lightning). But for zombie? Nothing streamlined.

So if the zombie-loving world wants the Spew to be a part of ‘zombie-mania’ and comment on such shows like ‘Walking Dead’ or ‘Fear of the Walking Dead’ or ‘Really Fearing of the Walking Dead’ or ‘Amazingly Fearful of All Dead Walking Things in a 5 Mile Radius of Where I Am’, I need consensus.

If this can’t be done, you are all undead to me.