Golden Poo Awards

This past weekend, the Sierra Mist of awards, aka the Golden Globes, were given to Hollywood elite live on NBC, where I am sure countless dozens of people were watching Meryl Streep lecture us all about what is right and wrong, Jimmy Fallon laughing at his own jokes, and many other things I do not like or care about happened.

But what I do find interesting about the BetaMax of movie awards is which movies won because this does portend to some degree what films may win Oscars. This is not a direct correlation, only about 65% of movies that won Best Picture in comedy or drama win Best Picture at the Oscars. But there is something there.

So let’s look at some of the nominees and winners:

Nominees

  • Hell or High Water: I did not see this movie, but from the commercials, it looks like a remake of No Country for Old Men, but with Jeff Bridges. Considering this movie was released two times this year, both times not in December, I guess this guy will not be winning any Oscars.

  • Lion: I have not seem this either, but with a name like Lion, I bet it is about lions. I am not sure if we need another movie about our feline friend. I mean after Madagascar 2, hasn’t the book closed on these types of films?

  • Hacksaw Ridge: This is the one with Andrew Garfield as some sort of pussy army guy who doesn’t shoot but likes to play medic. This movie sucks. No, I have not seen it, but I don’t need to ingest poo to know I will not like it.

  • Manchester by the Sea: YES!! Another movie about white, angst-ridden, Northeastern folk from…..wait for it…..Boston. I don’t care if people say it is good, the last thing I need is more media attention on that swatch of land. They have Tom Brady, Harvard, eternal sympathy for that Boston Marathon thing (4 people dead….I bet more than 4 people ), and 3 World Series titles in the last 12 years. What else do you want?

Winners

  • La La Land: This thing simply looks painful. Hollywood making a movie about show business, and in a musical and stylized form? Oh my God!!!! The fact that this is the film that seemingly has all the momentum going into the Oscars is frightening. I mean the Oscars have laid many a terd, from The Artist, to Crash, to Kings Speech, to Around the World in 80 Days, to Oliver, to Tom Jones, to Greatest Show on Earth, to Hurt Locker, to Slumdog Millionaire, to…you get the idea. But I bet this one will NOT win. Why? Well, check out the Best Drama winner……

  • Moonlight: An artsy-fartsy movie about ‘human connection and self-discovery’ made by….yes…..some black people. Hollywood loves to claim open-mindedness and having liberal ideals. There is no way in this climate of Trumpism that Hollywood will give their Best Picture to a movie about beautiful white people traipsing around a glorified retro California. Also, The Academy still feels guilty over stiffing The Color Purple in all 11 nominations back in 1985. The Academy, much like many other institutions, bend to the will of the loudest voices. Last year there was a lot of talk about the lack of minority wins. This will be the way to appease that crowd, by handing Moonlight some Oscar gold.


So there you go!! The Spew’s official prediction for the Oscar’s based on seeing none of these films. Maybe I should start actually get myself educated and see some of these movies. Eh….but they look so boring. I’ll just read the summary on Wikipedia and pretend to know about them at dinner parties.