On Saturday I decided to walk to the beach with my dog.

First off, yes there is a beach in Seattle. Not one of those gravelly, shitty beaches that really aren’t beaches. There is one sort of near me with sand, surf, and all of those things beaches have.

Secondly, it was a nice day, 70 degrees, so thought going there would be nice.

So after I donned my retro Seahawks and aviator sunglasses with headphones in tact, my dog and started on our trek out the sandy oasis that sits 2.5 miles away from my yurt.

After about half way through this odyssey I realized something: I hate beach people.

They are noisy. They are douchey. And most importantly, they are not nearly ashamed enough about their body.

Let me give you three examples:

1. Noisy- there are tons of motorcycles just joyriding up and down the main drag. This alone is not awful, although it clogs traffic. But these fuckin’ assholes rev their engines as loud as possible, like they are communicating through some primitive language of grunts that only cavemen like themselves understand. I think these meatsacks are developmentally challenged while they think they are garnering positive attention through this display of retardedness, no one thinks this is socially acceptable way to behave.

2. Douchey- I was thinking I was looking pretty good with my dog walking around the beach. Girls were looking at me right in the eyes. No, they were not looking at my dog (who was thinking catlike thoughts I am sure), they were looking right at my face. Then I realized why…..they were looking at their own reflection in my aviators!!! What a bunch of vain shits! All these people care about is how they are appearing to the world and using my goggles to preen and fix up their look. What a letdown.

3. Lack of body shame- this should go down as no surprise. So many people of both genders wearing things that would make a stripper bashful. It is funny how we in society view the dress code of life: everywhere we are expected to wear shirts and pants unless you are near water. It is not like people are swimming around in 50 degree Pacific Ocean water. They are just parading around in their underwear begging for others to pay attention to amorphic form.

In sum, the day was beautiful and the walk was actually quite pleasant. We just have to figure out how to get rid of all those damn people.