Hello and welcome to Alien Week at the Spew! In order to honor the opening of Independence Day 2, possibly the silliest, stupidest, guiltiest pleasure franchise in movie history, The Spew will have a week long dedication to all things alien.
The time is drawing nigh for selecting the 45th President of the United States. During this time, there will be a lot of gas bags spouting off about who has the better foreign policy platform, who has more realistic plan for domestic job growth, what percentage of Native American Elizabeth Warren is, you know the important issues.
Now I don’t downplay any of those issues, in fact I am fascinated whether or not Sen. Warren is 1/32nd Native or more like Michael Scott (see below):
Michael Scott: “I’m also part Native American Indian.”
Oscar Martinez: “What part Native American?”
Michael Scott: “Two Fifteenths.”
Oscar Martinez: “That fraction doesn’t make any sense.”
Michael Scott: “Well, you know it’s kind of hard for me to talk about…there’s suffering.”
However there is one issue that will not be touched on at all…… in the event of an alien invasion, who would be a better leader?
Due to the sad fact that this will not be asked on any show outside of Ancient Aliens, The Spew will use this time to measure up both candidates and will render it’s first official endorsement of a candidate.
Donald Trump
Pros
-
His strong stance against illegal aliens would mean he would be quick to mount an assault against the Space Invaders
-
Trump is a master negotiator. During peace talks, he may leverage a good deal involving the secession of some swamp land in Florida he ‘owns’ and a lifetime supply of Trump Steaks: the rarest steaks anyone can (or cannot) find.
- His unwavering belief in conspiracy theories leads me to believe Trump thinks aliens are already amongst us, therefore he would be more prepared for invasion.
Cons
-
His track record with non-white beings is not strong
-
The aliens may not like the taste of gristle and grease in their steaks
-
Trump may someday unzip his human body suit, revealing himself as some sort of lizard/alien creature
Grade: C-
Hillary Clinton
Pros
-
Her hawkish ways may result in a preemptive strike against the aliens before they even know it
-
Her anti-firearm legislation would prevent the aliens the use of their laser guns in a ground attack
-
She already has a great relationship with the aliens due to her work with them 20+ years ago:
Cons
-
Fighting the aliens in any way is a bad idea; their technology is far superior
-
It is doubtful the Clinton anti-firearm law will have provisions covering guns that can condense the energy field around them into a deadly force and streamline that energy into an ultra-powerful ray (damn the Republicans!)
-
That alien baby she adopted grew up to be…you guessed it…this guy:
Grade: C-
Endorsement
Captain Steven Hiller
He has led us against an alien attack in the past. Hell, he has piloted a plane and led the attack himself. And no one has the charisma or the ability to motivate like President Hiller:
If that doesn’t make you want to go out and fight for mankind, well you deserve to work in the salt mines once they enslave us after their inevitable victory.