10. Reality TV
There is nothing real or interesting about this type of entertainment. Started by the bad people at MTV with the Real World, this form of programming revolves around wannabe actors trying to make it into the business by behaving badly. There is no substantive plot, no level of sophistication, no way to relate at all. It is just a clown show for X amount of minutes. The worst part is that this genre is highly popular and looks like it is not going away anytime soon due to the fact it requires such little effort to create and film. The good news: the side effect to all of this is alternative stations such as AMC and HBO are putting out the best shows in history due to the talent migrating to these networks and the freedom granted to them by said networks. Still, I have never seen a reality show at any time and never will.
9. Your Golf Game
What is it with the need for golfers to recount all their shots to the unexpecting masses after their round is done? ‘Oh, there was a sharp dogleg right on 15, but I played my natural hook and got around it. Oh, the greens were so fast today, it was so hard to go less than a 3 putt.’ Jesus Christ, who fuckin’ cares? All I know is that you suck at golf because pretty much everyone does because it is way too hard of a sport. You probably don’t even play by the rules, hence you ‘shooting’ your 73 or whatever. But more importantly than that, it doesn’t matter. I, nor anyone for that matter, do not care about your round of golf and never want to even hear about your shitty game again.
8. What You Ate
There is this new thing where people actually take pictures of the food they eat and post it online? What the hell is that all about? Oh, you are going to eat wings? Wow!!! Oh, how about that tasty burger you have? I can’t wait to see that. How did it taste? I am dying to no because, you see, I am a fuckin’ idiot who likes to live vicariously through the crap that you eat. In all honesty, it is offensive that anyone would assume that anyone else in the world would want to see a picture of your food. In response, I think I’ll take a picture of my food for you, after I’m done digesting it.
7. The Marathon’s You Have Run
This type of boasting has to stop right now. I am not sure if there is anything more annoying or self-serving than someone telling you, be it by sticker or by pictures, all the long distance runs they have completed. Like it is some sort of badge of honor that greatly helped out our society. I have an idea, instead of using your time to train for this stupid event, why don’t you do something more worthwhile, like work with the elderly, tutor underprivileged kids, or better yet watch TV and eat potato chips like I do. I think I should have a sticker on my car about that.
6. The East Coast
I hate the east coast so much. They are the most self-absorbed coast in America. Oh no! Three people died in Boston today. BOSTON STRONG! Uh oh, someone in New York stubbed their toe. NYC 4EVER!! Heads up. Someone in DC said the ‘f’ word. Live feed from the Beltway to cover this controversy. 1,000 people are displaced after a mudslide in the Pacific Northwest. Huh? Where is that on the map?
I swear it is like anything west of Chicago is meaningless and is worthy of any coverage. So to counterbalance this, I will NOT care about the east coast. I just want to do my part for ‘West Coast Lives Matter’.
5. The Charity You are Representing
Oh, you are going to run around in a circle for 10 clicks and I am supposed to give you money for that? You are going to ride a bike 100 miles, block traffic for the day, and you want $2 a mile for this? Why? These charity events make no logical sense at all. So if you don’t run the ‘fun run’, I should not donate money to help fighting Lupus?
The activity is never directly helping the cause, it is just a bunch of corporate peons dressing up as people who care. This is just begging at a more dignified, yet guilt-driven, level. So I will make this easy for all charities out there with their hand poised out asking for my money:
4. Your Gym Workout
The only thing worse than some bozo telling me about the 26 mile run they wasted their time on is when they tell me about the workout they do to get sooo shredded. Crossfit is chock full of these turkeys, but they also exist in other workout regimens. And you know why I know they are doing their thing? Constant Facebook posts and pics about them ‘blasting their abs’, or ‘ripping their glutes’, or ‘destroying their quads’. God damn, shut the hell up. Yes, we all are so proud that you are getting so swole at the gym and that you are a better person than I am for it, but I don’t need every update on your life to revolve around this life-altering new workout you read in Men’s Health. You know what? There were plenty of people that were in better shape than you before this workout and there will be after, so let’s not pretend this new workout is some panacea; it is just an excuse for you to brag about yourself.
3. Your Blog
My God, why in the hell would anyone want to read what you have to say about…well….anything? What are your thoughts on Mexican beer? Star Wars? Gandalf? Trump? Who in the fuck cares? What kind of person is so pompous that he/she feel the need to wax poetically about every-damn-thing that happens to them on a daily basis? And guess what? You are re not even half as funny as you think. Just do everyone a favor and stop being some sort of ersatz ‘voice of a generation’ and get back to work….whatever the hell that you do.
2. Your Travels
Does anyone, in the history of the world, enjoy sitting through a slide show of someone’s self-indulgent vacation? No. The answer to that question is no. No one has ever enjoyed said slide show. Slide shows are sort of a thing of the past, but we have modern day equivalents all over the place. So why does anyone still insist on ‘sharing’ their shitty trip to people who did not experience this at all? It is not like you are trying to relay the magic and whimsy of your experience, you are just boasting about journeying to these areas and that in turn makes you a better, more cultured person than we are.
You know what is not cute and creative? Pics of you ‘pushing up’ the Leaning Tower, or ‘holding’ the Eiffel Tower, or ‘thinking’ with Rodin’s ‘Thinker’. You what is even worse? The pics of you in a third world country with the natives, acting like some benevolent great white hope that now is initiated into their clan.
You know my favorite part of your trip? The part where you came back, tried to tell me about it, and I tuned it all out with images of dancing hippos in my mind. Remember that part? Do you have a pic of that you want to share?
1. Your Kids
The only thing more annoying than kids are the parents that tell you about their creatures they somehow spawned. It is amazing to me how deaf and mute parents are to this. Think of it this way: does a parent ever really want to hear about a child that is not theirs? NO! Parent-to parent conversations inevitably consist of this: parent A endures the tale of parent B’s kid and wait for parent B to be done in order to interject their diatribe about their shitty little imp. Maybe it is a wonderful symbiotic relationship that dwells in another world I am not privy to. But sometimes this parallel universe of parenting collides with me. And that is where we have a problem.
Stop with the constant Facebook pics of your scion. Enough with taking your brat to public adult places (aka a bar, a movie, or restaurant) and letting them run around like they own the place. Cease with the mindless blathering about how your little guy is ‘the best’ and how they do no wrong. Of course your kid is the best, who’s isn’t? Remember, I was a teacher and I saw this first-hand for 10 years; everyone’s child is the best child ever. Parents like to say they care about things such as education or the sports team they are on, but in reality they only care about one thing: their kid.
There is nothing higher in this world than a mother’s sense of entitlement when it comes to their baby; all must accommodate and pay attention to all things that revolve around their pint-sized pal. Just remember one thing:
No one loves your kid more than you do.
In turn, no one is more interested in your kid than you are.