10. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Oooooh, starts out with a big name. And a name right down my milieu. Yes, I know he is the musical genius who wrote pieces in his head and rarely edited any of his work. But have you heard his stuff? Well, if you have heard one, you have heard them all pretty much. His melodic diversity is about the same as AC/DC and did nothing to further tonal structure. Ohhhh, but he wrote a symphony at age 8. Well, have you heard it? Yeah, it is not very good. I can say I wrote one just now, yeah it sucks but what the hell, I wrote it in a second. Anyway, Mozart was a good composer, but not the greatest. He was a crafter of smooth pieces but definitely not an innovator. I mean, who in the hell does this guy think he is?

9. Confucius

The very epitome of a thinker and not a doer, all this guy ever did was write down his musings and obviously not exercise. Yeah, some of his stuff is interesting and worthy to quote, but how did his sect of ‘Confucianism’ lasted 25+ centuries? I mean there are tons of witty people who wrote thoughts down since then that are far more relevant to the modern day. What are his thoughts on social media? What does he think about beach people? What is his take on Trump? Yeah, that’s what I thought, a little dated aren’t we Confucius. I mean really, who in the hell does this guy think he is?

8. Aristotle

Some people consider him the father of scientific thought, I consider him the father of getting a bunch of stuff wrong. He thought the planets orbited in a perfect circle. WRONG! He thought eels didn’t reproduce. WRONG! He thought there were only 5 elements. WRONG! He thought one of the brain’s primary use was to cool the blood. WRONG! There is a virtual laundry list of what this guy got wrong. It was only until the Age of Enlightenment where many of his theories were proven wrong. So that is over a millennium of stinkin’ thinkin’. The defenders of him will say ‘hey, he was closer to being right than his contemporaries’. I say ‘pshaw!’. I mean really, take a look at this, and say to yourself ‘who the hell does this guy think he is?’.

7. Henry VIII

This guy was just a big fat loser. He messed around with the English Constitution, he played around with Ireland, he even was pulling shenanigans with the Pope. But of course he is most famous for killing off all of his wives in order to field a son. He is sort of like what Donald Trump would if we lived in 1500’s. All his reign ever set up was the Golden Era of England, when a woman named Liz cleaned up all of his mess (a few decades later mind you). Henry VIII should be forgotten or at least seen as the colossal failure he really was. I mean, c’mon England, I’m serious, who the hell does this guy think he is?

6. Ronald Reagan

I am so sick and tired the way this guy gets deified by the GOP. And now Democrats are getting into the game. I lived through the 80’s, they were not that great. Reagan ran our national debt up like Barney’s bar tab at Moe’s in order to ‘compete with the evil empire’, his ‘trickle down’ bullshit is still effecting the middle class today, his fantasy about his Star Wars defense was ridiculous, and his brain pretty much called it a day in his second term. The only thing he did worse than govern was act. Reagan has become some sort of Republican folk hero and I really have no idea why. I mean really….I mean really really…I mean really really this time, who in the hell does this guy think he is?

5. Eli Whitney

This dude did one thing; ‘invented’ a cotton gin that pretty much a third grader can build. That’s it. No grand idea of mass production. No world changing epiphany about innovating other types of ‘gins’. All he did was make a thing that easily separated cotton fibers from the seeds. That’s it. So why in the world is this guy in every single American History textbook ever written? I should not known who this guy is, and neither should you. But here we are, discussing the man who built a thing that dealt with cotton in a slightly more efficient way. I mean really, let us all re-examine this and think to ourselves ‘who in the hell does this guy think he is?’.

4. Erik the Red

Oh jeez, Erik the Red. This guy…..well, after being banished from Norway for killing someone, he ‘discovered’ Greenland. Oh wow. Nice work. So glad we all remember your name throughout time for settling on Greenland after murdering someone. First off, Greenland sucks. No one lives there. You know why? Because it sucks. Discovering shitty land make not a historical figure. Secondly, the better accomplishment was fathering Leif Erickson, who discovered the far superior and actually inhabitable land of Iceland. Leif even did the old switcharoo when it came to naming the lands to prevent over-population of Iceland; ‘Greenland’ is icy and ‘Iceland’ is green. I am not sure if that is true, but it sounds cool. Anyway, Erik the Red did very little but pollute our historical memory with his worthless name. I mean really, I need to say this again….who in the hell does this guy think he is?

3. Nero

Nero fiddled while Rome burned…….FALSE!! First off, the fiddle wasn’t invented until the 1600’s. Secondly…well there is no secondly. Nero is just a jerk. He was a tyrant who was pretty much dismissive of the Senate. He would dip opposers in oil (mainly Christians) and light them on fire to illuminate his front yard. He murdered his mother. He killed his first wife. He even maybe started that Rome fire, then blamed Christians for it (funny how religious persecution has survived over the centuries, huh?). After fire cleared some space, Nero built a new palace and erected a 120 ft statue of himself in the front. Anyway, the fact we remember this guy throughout time is pretty lame. Yes, he is known for being crumb-bum, but he should not be rewarded for his malfeasance by being in our memory. I mean, c’mon everybody, we all need to ponder this thought….who in the hell does this guy think he is?

2. Nostradamus

Oh god, I am so tired of this guy’s act. Whenever some potential life-altering event happens, there is a section of people who wheel out a Nostradamus quatrain that, when read the right way, sounds like he saw it coming. 9/11 attack? It’s in there. WWII? It’s in there there. The Spew becoming the #1 voice of single white men in Seattle between the ages of 35-45? It’s in there. Actually, you know what in his vaunted quatrains? Horseshit. Literal horseshit. OK, figurative horseshit. His writings are filled with vague allusions to ambiguous events that, when reading it the way you want to read it, may or may not reference something that happened in some uncertain time frame. Regardless, Nostradamus’s name has carried on throughout time because no matter how much we learn and grow as a society, there are always going to be some splinter group of smooth-brained dumbasses who think this French blowhard actually could see the future. If he really could see the future, why didn’t see that his gout would turn into edema and cause his death? Ha! How do you like them apples Nostra-dumbass. I mean c’mon guys, I know we are all thinking the same thing here, who in the hell does this guy think he is?

1. Marco Polo

The #1 most worthless, least accomplished man that has haunted our historical books. Other than inventing the stupidest pool game ever, Marco Polo went to China. That’s it. And why did he go there? To sell some of his crappy goods to another market. But here is the kicker, he is not even the first European to go to China! No! His dad and uncle actually gave him directions to Asia because, well, they went there before. All Marco Polo really did way write down what saw on his journey to China. Yes, chronicling events can be important, but do we really need to remember the guy who wrote this stuff all down? There is even speculation that he even went there. Not one postcard was sent to any of his relatives while he was in ‘China’. He said he was BFF’s with Kubla Khan, yet Kubla has never been on this record that he knew Marco and friends. Anyway, where he went or didn’t is secondary. The main issue is that we have a man who went to a place that many other people went, and got famous for it. I have no idea why. I mean really, let’s all take a step back from all of this, analyze this guy, think about his ‘accomplishments’ and ask………..’who in the hell does this guy think he is?’.