10. In-N-Out Burger

I know your first reaction is ‘why is this not higher’? You know why? Because it is not THAT good. Sure, it is a tasty burger, but it is not THAT good. It is a weird phenomena, it seems young women swear by this place more than any other demographic. Maybe they are more prone to getting swept up in the zeitgeist of In-N-Out or maybe things from California are just super cool and are so much better than things that are not from California. Regardless, it’s weak fries, limited menu, and over-rated standing limits this franchise to only #10.

9. Arby’s

I like Arby’s, almost as much as David Putty. They are going for something different; roast beef. I like that. I also like the fact their target audience is older people, kids fuckin’ suck. Now I know some people say the roast beef has the same texture as human flesh, so call me a cannibal because I don’t care. Put some Horsey sauce on that pile of ‘meat’ and you have yourself a quality meal.

8. Dairy Queen

All hail the Queen! The Blizzard alone puts this in the top 8. The problem is that’s pretty much it for DQ. Their burgers are ok, their fries are eh, their menu selection is ok. But that Blizzard…..wow. Actually all their assorted treats are above par. Quick joke: how did Burger King propose to Dairy Queen? With an onion ring!! Get it? I don’t really. I always thought these royal marriages were more based in political forces and territorial acquisition of important military footholds; the idea of marital romance was an afterthought. Also the oil grease would burn her finger, a far cry from loving gesture if the joke indeed was referencing some sort of romance. Anyway, I like Blizzards.

7. McDonald’s

The titan of the industry, also the pinata of fast food pop culture, McDonald’s is a scapegoat for all things wrong with fast food. Yet everyone has gone there and will go again. You know why? Because it is pretty good! No one says this better than Jim Gaffigan. Just watch that video and it sums it all up so well. Regardless of what you say, you love their fries, their McNuggets are McDelicious, and the price point is right on. I was raised on McDonald’s, which may be the reason for my expected life span to be 53. But whatever…..

6. Whataburger

Solid burger, solid fries, solid menu, solid service, solid #6 ranking. Whataburger is not a national chain, but it should be. There is nothing too fancy about Whataburger but it does yeoman’s work in the field of fast food. Consistent, available, and always tasty.

5. Chipotle

I am from a place near Mexico, so I can appreciate a good burrito. Usually these chain places do not offer good burritos or burrito-like food. Chipotle is not bad. You get to choose what is in the burrito, which is always exciting, and they make it really fat, which is sort of fun as well.

Steak burrito with black beans and mild salsa. Sour Cream? Yes please. Cheese? Why thank you. Guacamole? I would but it costs too much. Anyway, that is a typical exchange I experience when I have lunch there. It is a always a pleasant time when going to Chipotle.

Going to the bathroom after…..not as pleasant.

4. Jimmy John’s

This place is so much better than Subway is so many ways. The meat is better, the topping are fresh, the people there don’t look like they are going to commit suicide after their shift, and they are fast. Freaky fast. It is probably the lunch place I frequent the most. There is a bit of a hipster feel to the place and sometimes the employees are aggressively nice (like they are faking it), but living in Seattle you have to be tolerant of such things. Or else you will become one of those Subway workers and want to kill yourself….after your shift of course.

3. Papa Murphy’s

Best chain pizza bar none. Yes, bar none. There is no bar. The bar ceases to be. If you attempt to include a bar, it will be denied, due to the previously stated fact about bars and the absence of all such bars.

Anyway, Papa Murphy’s pizzas are ready to go, have a variety of choices, the people there are friendly, and the price is right. And there is no tax! Pretty cool side note.

But what puts Pap Murphy’s in rarefied air is their dessert pizza, namely the Smores. Chocolate sauce (acting as the tomato sauce), melted marshmallow (acting as the cheese), and graham cracker chips (acting as the toppings) all combined into the very best dessert I have ever had. I know, extreme stance, but tis true. Bar none. There is no bar. The bar ceases to be, etc, etc, etc.

2. Wendy’s

Where’s the beef? I’ll tell you where’s the beef…..that square piece of beef is right in that soft round bun with delicious toppings, sitting next to some tasty fries. See, the geometry of all of this plays real well in Wendy’s favor; side of square patty=diameter of bun, hence area(patty)>area(bun), or side^2>pi(side/2)^2, which simplifies to 4>pi. In other words, that’s where the beef is! Popping out of the bun like a newborn elephant calf slithering out of his mom’s womb at the zoo.

And don’t you dare forget those Frostys!!! You know my favorite part of a Frosty? The taste. They are so good and so simple, yet no one can duplicate them. Wendy’s has also upped their game with a diversified menu and a solid value menu. Wendy’s…..it waaaay better than fast food. So true, well with the exception of one other place.

1. Chick-fil-A

Yes my liberal friends, Chick-fil-A is the best fast food restaurant of them all. I have been all around this great country of ours; from Tucson to Phoenix, from Seattle to Tacoma, and I have never had a better chicken sandwich anywhere. Five star restaurants that claim to excel in the art of the chicken fail to beat out the simple, original Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich. One bun, two pickles, one mayo packet, and one plump piece-o-chicken is all it is. And that is all you need.

They also have these waffle-cut fries. I grant you that on the surface, waffle-cut anything can be intimidating and confusing; fries are straight and on occasion curly, they can’t be in this weird lattice shape? But then you taste one, and all that fear and apprehension is substituted with gratitude; gratitude to the good folks at Chick-fil-A.

And their shakes……homespun!! I don’t really know what that means, but trust me, homespun=(better than non-homespun).

Finally the service: they are really nice there. I mean they make a point of it and it may come off as fake, but still….they are nice. And I like that.

Now I know their politics are mostly rooted in the 90’s: the 1890’s. In fact Seattle will not permit Chick-fil-A to even enter the region (there are places in Bellevue and Lynnwood, but not Seattle Proper). First off, who is being closed minded now. Secondly, I don’t care if Chick-fil-A funds lobbyists to promote cancer. They make a hell of a sandwich and I want one in my mouth right now, even if I end up in hell for not caring.

Now if S. Truett Cathy was against the Sonics returning……uhhhhh

I don’t want to think about that.