10. Almond Joy
Refreshing, sweet, and oh so coconutty, the joy of almonds is captured by this fun little bar of candy. It is not too chocolatey and less of a rich flavor, which is very dangerous because you can eat 8 fun size on these and not even know it……until 30 minutes later when you are sick.
On the outside, the Rolo looks like docile candy; cylindrical packaging ala the Life Saver and segmented into little trapezoidal pieces. Looks average, right? WRONG! These are very much slightly ABOVE average candy. When you bite into one of these guys, your mouth is surprised by a rush of liquid caramel, engulfing your taste buds like the Exxon Valdez spreading its oil across all of the Alaskan shoreline.
Another friend from the caramel family, the Twix is the better version of the Rolo. Why? Well, it is the cookie crunch. Famous for its use in the ‘Candy Line-up’ created by George Costanza at the car dealership, the Twix finally got its day in the sun and has not looked back.
Probably more noted for being the best topping in a DQ Blizzard, the English Toffee candy bar has not received its just due as a stand-alone treat. Well no more! I am sure the good people at Heath will appreciate this #7 rank, rally behind this new-found momentum to become more mainstream, and obtain its ‘just desserts’. Get it? Because it is a dessert?
The big daddy of them all, the Snickers bar is the most popular and most ingested sugary treat of them all. And why you ask? Because it is good. Damn good. The peanuts, the nougat, the caramel, and of course the chocolate, the Snickers bar includes all of these sweets into one complex yet perfectly balanced eco-system of flavor. A nice side note is that it is quite filling, so you always end your Snickers snacking on a satisfied note.
5. Hershey Bar
Sometimes all you want is chocolate. Sweet, dirty, cheap, nasty chocolate. No my friend, this is none of that fancy-pants dark chocolate that all the hipsters rave about and pay top dollar for. I am talking about milk chocolate; the unhealthy, uber-sugary, trashy member of the cacao family. And you why a Hershey’s bar is way better than any of its darker brethren? The taste.
4. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Bonnie and Clyde, Han and Leia, Guns and Roses, Harry and the Hendersons, and peanut butter and chocolate. These things simply go together. But simply slapping some Jif on a chunk of chocolate won’t do. There needs to be more of a nuanced approach. That is where P.T. Reese comes in and combines these naturally entwined flavors into something special. I know ET liked those pieces of Reese’s but he can go fuck himself. The cup version of this candy bests all PB/Choco combos.
3. 100 Grand Bar
By far, the most underrated candy bar of the lot; the combination of caramel and crisped rice has since been duplicated, but never equaled. In the pantheon of bars of candy, the 100 Grand bar barely gets mentioned. This is a shame, considering how tasty this critter is. The name comes from the cost when first issued in 1934: $100,000 for a bar. Even though this is one of the most fantastic treats on this earth, the cost drove too many people away from its goodness. So immediately the good people at Nestle lowered the price to a more reasonable 5 cents.
This guy is just a pure delight. On a hot summers day, nothing is more enjoyable than a glass of fresh well water along with a Skor bar straight from the fridge. Some may say this dark toffee concoction is someone on the snobby side of desserts; not only is the net oz-per-dollar ratio lower than the rest of the candy listed here, the name ‘Skor’ is Swedish for ‘shoes’….I bet fancy shoes…..and the Swedish national emblem is in the ‘O’ of Skor. That is some pretty high brow stuff indeed. We all know the Swede’s do not export garbage. Despite this aura of elitism that surrounds Skor, it is such a delectable treat that you cannot just have one. Although you should because they are extremely unhealthy.
1. Symphony Bar
And here is the #1, the coup de gras of all candy bars, the Symphony bar. Much like its buddy the Skor bar, it is stooped in pretension and hautiness. Maybe it is the toffee chips, maybe its the almonds, maybe it is the name ‘Symphony’ itself, but this bar exudes upper-middle class status. Not worthy enough to eat one? Maybe not; this bar knows nothing outside the world of the high-class and the well-groomed. But if you feel ready to enjoy the ‘symphonic’ blend of nut, toffee, and chocolate in perfect harmony, try on of these guys out. I swear you will not be disappointed.