Last week on Thursday, around 3 am, I flinched hard in my bed and woke up. I had no idea why. However after this involuntary spasm, I experienced an awful muscle cramp in my calf; the likes of one that I still feel 4 days later.

So after agonizing in pain for seemingly hours (but probably more like 20 seconds), my leg settled down and was ready to sleep once again.

Or so I thought.

About 10 minutes or so later, I heard a chirp.

Then another chirp.

Then another.

Then finally…..an all out BLARE coming from, you guessed it, my smoke detectors.

Now everyone’s first instinct when this happens is that it is just a false alarm. However a few weeks ago there was a minor fire dust-up in the complex, so I thought better of ignoring this.

So I just dressed, leashed the dog, and planned on venturing outside. But when I peeked my head out, no one was out there.

Yes, it was a false alarm.

But there was nothing false about the sound these little make. WOW!!! High-pitched, whiny, shrill, non-stop, and LOUD!! I was freaking out at the time because I didn’t want to wake anyone up, so after mashing the ‘reset’ button over and over again (the people at Kidde said it would work online), I hobbled over to my step ladder, still feeling the pulsating pangs from my cramp, and I just yanked both out of the roof. But……….the detectors still were chirping? How in the hell is this possible? I mean it is not plugged in, there is no battery, where is the electricity coming from? These things are like the Terminator for God’s sake! Finally, after pressing the button and letting the final beeping breath exhaled, I hid them under the sofa cushions just in case there was more.

Have you ever had a false alarm similar to this? Of course you have!!!

I asked a lot of friends after this ordeal if they have ever experienced this with smoke detectors; all have.

So this begs the question: how in the world can we as a society not make a better smoke detector?

Seriously, EVERYONE has had a god-awful experience with a smoke detector, to the point where many people just leave them unplugged due to the mercurial nature of these little plastic shits. This obviously defeats the entire purpose of smoke detectors. But you can’t hardly blame them. I mean over 95% of the time, these things sound off NOT due to immanent danger.

So c’mon fire fighters, get on this and make a better smoke detector that actually works and doesn’t go off whenever it wants.