I love New Year’s time. Other than being the only time all year I stay up after midnight, this is time to reinvent yourself with idle promises that you surely will not keep because, well, if you really wanted to make these changes, you would have done them before New Year’s day.

But who am I to shirk this global tradition?

So here are my New Year’s resolutions:

• Lose some weight: A common resolution for fat and thin folk alike. Even though I am not the most obese of sorts, I have gained a few holiday pounds. I am sure tightening up the old diet is not a bad idea.

• Make the same resolution as above next year: Yeah, I don’t see me doing the diet thing too well.

• Drink more water: This is a must for a growing boy like myself. There are too many times in the day I just feel dehydrated. Maybe by drinking some more 50% abv whiskey, this will help the situation. I mean a 50% abv bourbon has 50% water as well.

• Question authority: I am tired of hearing what the ‘man’ is saying and shaping the narrative of our reality. As we all know, the homeless run this town and I feel it is time to start questioning why they get more rights than the common folks. Why do they get to ride the bus free? Why do they get to shoot up drugs and litter all over the streets? Why are they allowed to use propane grills outside when I am not allowed to have one at my old condo? Why don’t they have to wear a mask when they walk into a Home Depot and couch on everyone?

• Watch less football: This is an easy one when you watched the 2021 Hawks this season.

• Read more: Is there anything better than sitting down in a quiet room with a nice pour of scotch and getting lost in a book? Well, other than watching the movie instead.

• Learn a new language: How hard can that be? I mean it only took me 40+ years to sort of speak one language pretty ok, and they always say it is way easier to learn stuff when you are older and set in your ways.

• Harshly judge others more often: It is time for a reckoning, and it should be me leading the charge! First order of business; stop saying ‘literally’ when you absolutely mean ‘figuratively’. You are not ‘literally’ walking on eggshells, or ‘literally’ juggling three jobs at once, or ‘literally’ going to die if something happens. In fact, you ‘literally’ mean ‘figuratively’. So please, stop it!

• Get more into arts and crafts: As of yesterday, I started building an origami fox from a kit (get it….kit…fox….. nevermind you troglodyte). I even ordered Martha Stewart level craft glue for the project. So far, not good. After folding the paper a tad bit outside the lines, this started a chain reaction of other pieces not fitting well, the glue covering both the inside and outside of the body, my fingers getting stuck to said paper, falling over on the ground, not being able to get up, then farted. But tomorrow is another day.

• Walk more: Yeah, even I am suspect on that one.

• Eat more fruit: Its nature’s candy!!!!

And finally….

• Be kinder to others: But before I do this, I want to be really really mean, set a low bar to improve on, then go from there.