So last week I took my dog outside to welcome the day. This is an everyday venture that starts around 6am. Why so early? Well, my dog is sort of a jerk and I don’t have much say in the matter.

Anyway, on this particular day I took her out, there was some bustling in trees outside my building. I didn’t think much of this, I mean it could be just a bird or whatever.

So I continued to walk her in the same direction as usual. That is until……………..3 raccoons jumped out of the tree above us and landed about 10 feet away.

Oh my God!!!!!

This is not hyperbole. Three raccoons went paratrooper and leaped out of the tree and basically tried to kill me, or at least give me rabies. I even think one of them had a gun. Now I can’t be sure about this due to the fact I was terrified at the time, but you know these creatures have opposable thumbs, so I wouldn’t put it past these critters.

Anyway, my dog, in classic fashion, was not phased in the least. Not only was she not daunted by this possible assault, she actually lunged towards them trying to make a new friend, tails wagging the entire time.

Obviously she was completely naive about the danger that was in store for her if she indeed succeed in making first contact, so I yanked her leash the opposite way, put myself between her and the coons, and ran like heck away from the scene. At the corner of my eye, I saw the trio flit away in the dark.

The good news is that nothing bad happened. Sure there were some twigs on the ground, but we all survived sans rabies. The bad news is that I have suffered PTSD after this event and sleeping has become an issue. Dreams of ‘raining raccoons’ and little claws grabbing at my face have littered my REM cycle.

But my dog………still sleeping 18 hours a day.

Jerk.