Every day I walk to the bus stop to go to work. There is a sidewalk I use that leads me directly to said bus stop in about 8 minutes. Along this path there are trees and other plant-like growths that overhang the sidewalk. Most of this growth is safely tucked to the right of me; there is a fence and a natural barrier of sorts that separates man from plant.
Most……but not all.
Some of this overhang has now infiltrated the walkway. Some of this is more of a nuisance and can be ignored, but not all.
There is this one limb, weed, or whatever the hell it is that sags down from it’s mother plant and hangs right at eye level. It is skinny so it is hard to see. It is colorless so it is camouflaged even up close. It has thorns, so it is weaponized.
I hate that fuckin’ limb so much. It pokes me in the eye, it gets tangled in my hair, it sticks to my shirt, and then after it’s attack it springs back into an unreachable position knowing the job is done and awaits the next victim.
This limb is my enemy.
CORRECTION: WAS my enemy.
The other day I fell victim once again to its spiny little bullshit spines, temporally rendering my blind with rage and aggression. So I decided at that point that I will no longer be a victim.
I took battle against my vegetated for. I violently grabbed the vine, in a non-thorny place, and twisted. And pulled. And twisted. After about 30 seconds of this, the limb just hung there looking as virile as ever. Dammit, the thing was elastic!!!!
I felt defeated. I felt that I was going to be bullied by this herbal asshole on a daily basis. But you can’t keep a good man down.
I rushed back into my home, grabbed my WMD (aka my scissors), and convinced the Coalition of the Willing (aka my dog) to invade this plant’s homeland and civilize this leafy barbarian.
I hurried back to my personal war zone. I saw my nemesis, still bouncing around with laughter after my first failed attempt. I calmly walked over, grabbed the appendage once again in the non-thorny part, raised my scissors with great confidence, and with a war cry heard across the street, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.
There was a brief pause in the world; a serene aura that permeated throughout the avenue of Harbor SW. The villagers are now safe. The enemy hast been slain. Once again, we the people can proceed carefree on the sidewalk without worry of tiny little thorns getting into our clothes or face.
Finally, fauna bests flora.