The 12 Steps of Halloween

I have to admit, I am not really into Halloween. I mean I used to as kid; I liked to dress up as something I thought was cool like Dracula, a football player, or Tron. But that entire youthful exuberance that surrounds this holiday has dampened in my life. Trick-or-treating is a young man’s sport or a family endeavor and really not meant for the likes of me. Typically on Halloween I hide in my home in fear that someone will knock on my door and expect candy.

With that said, I do have a few ‘Do’s and Don’t’s’ to get you through this Halloween season feeling good about things and not disappointing the masses.

  1. DO decorate your home with fake spiders, plastic skeletons, and toy bats.

  2. DO NOT decorate your home with real spiders, rotting corpses, and bats with rabies.

  3. DO give out quality candies like Reese’s cups, fun size Snickers, or anything in the Mars/Hershey candy-verse.

  4. DO NOT give out pencils or loose change at the door. Only give out candy. Handing out non-candy items is cheap, lame, lazy, and definitely not fitting for the holiday season.

  5. DO NOT bother with apples, especially apples with razor blades in them. Apples are a fruit and NOT a candy, kids don’t want that. And razor blades in the apple….well…..we are on to that nonsense.

  6. DO give treats to cute kids dressed as fun things like ghosts, witches, or whatever else is en vogue.

  7. DO NOT give any candy to the pathetic teenagers trolling around the neighborhood asking for a free Twix. Halloween is for kids! Not for stupid and loser teenagers thinking they are cool that they are out begging for candy.

  8. DO feel free to punch those teenagers in the ballsack or the boob, whichever applies.

  9. DO NOT run out of candy. It is written in the social contract that we have with Halloween that if you decide to partake in the festivities, buy enough damn candy for the night. I mean sure there will be leftovers, but is that so bad? Leftover candy? Yes please!

  10. DO dress up as something that is fake evil, like a devil, zombie, or a vampire.

  11. DO NOT dress up as something that is truly evil, like Hitler, Osama bin Ladin, or Donald Trump.

  12. And finally, DO NOT come to my place, knock on my door, and expect candy. As I said earlier, I will be hiding in my room in fear of the world outside.

So with those 12 steps in mind, I am sure you will have a happy Halloween!!!