So I went to Las Vegas over the weekend.

Now I know what you are thinking:

• This is not a place for you

• This is not a ‘Spew’ type of city

• This is way too decadent and expensive for a prudish pennypincher like yourself

Well, your sentiments are mostly correct. However, one must indulge in such hedonistic things from time to time, just to cleanse the palette if need be. And I haven’t been there in over 10 years, so my taste for such things has been built up over that time.

So I went.

And I came back. All in one piece, no less.

So what did I think. Well……

First off, it was really bright. I mean really, really bright. Neon all over the place. There are a lot of lights there, if you didn’t know that.

Secondly, everything in Vegas is about taking your money. There is nothing really ‘free’ there. Free drinks? Only when gambling. Free limo ride to the club? Only if you buy the 2 drink minimum of $25 a pop. Free WiFi? Only if you either register your name and email or maybe the WiFi is too slow to stream anything. Every turn, every nook, every moment, there is someone trying to sell you hard on whatever show/club/event they represent. And every ‘free’ thing they offer, every ‘great’ event that is promoted, is a lie. In fact, the entire city is a lie. You think you are in New York? Eh, not really. You think that is Paris? Non, mon ami. Think you are in medieval times? Yeah, not even close. Whether it is a stripper interested in you, signs saying ‘loosest slots in Vegas’, or Terry Fator advertised as the biggest show around, none of this is true; the stripper has her hand down your pants for wallet, there are ‘loosest slots’ (Vegas is not in the business of giving you money), and who the fuck is Terry Fator?

Finally, even though I haven’t been to Vegas in years, and certainly there are new hotels and buildings, there is nothing that has really changed since the last time I was there. Same smoke-filled gambling areas, same casinos that are designed for you to get lost in, same drunk people calling attention to themselves, same overall sad and pathetic underlining to the city that is attempted to be hidden via the big lights and glitz, but exists in every person who is working as a maid, a janitor, an escort, and anyone gambling with rent money.

Despite all of this, I had a great time there. My thirst debauchery was slaked and am glad I went.

So thank you Vegas, I’ll see you again in another 5 to 10 years.