I swear every time I fart in my office, someone knocks on my door and enters.

Now that may not sound like an amazing coincidence to you. I mean you don’t know how many times people visit me in my office.

Well, the answer to that question is every time I fart.

It is seriously ridiculous. I can go days without getting one visitor in my office, and also go for days without farting in the office (I am like a fart camel). But the one time I have to bust some wind, within the next 5 minutes, someone will knock on my door and ask me…..whatever.

For example, just last week my protein shake hit me in a fairly gassy way. But knowing this Murphy’s Law of farts, I opened the door, looked right, looked left, noticed all was clear, then just let out a mild toot of relief. No less than 5 minutes later, a co-worker I haven’t talked to in 4 months enters in and asked if I signed the damn birthday card yet for Tim. And all of this happened at…………..7:30am.

Another time, about a month ago, I laid out a big fart in my office (spaghetti from last night). Three minutes later, someone wanted to meet about a project we were working on. What am I supposed to do there? I mean my little office smelled like old pasta and death. I tried to usher the discussion outside my self-created WWI trench into the hall. Yes, it was successful, but the entire tenor of the conversation was awkward. They sensed I was hiding something, like I was watching porn at my desk. Knowing farting in the office is a far lesser crime than drooling over NSFW videos at work, I almost wanted to dissuade them from those thoughts and just say ‘Oh no, I wasn’t jerking off in my office, I was just busting ass. Come and smell’.

Regardless, the uncanny nature of this timing is…..well…..very uncanny. This would be far more canny if I had visitors all the time, but I cannot stress to you enough how infrequent my office threshold is passed in a week.

I guess if I ever get lonely, I’ll just start eating some beans…..