Dear President Obama,

Please stop coming to Seattle. Every time you come here we have to shut down pretty much the entire city to accommodate you.

At first I thought it was cool to live in a city that the president likes to come to, like I was finally living somewhere important and in the public eye. But this got old real fast.

I mean the traffic here is awful to begin with, bumper to bumper everywhere you look from 7-6 daily. But when your royal highness comes to ‘grace’ us with your presence, the city turns into a terrible Twilight Zone episode where there is an illusion that everyone has vanished from the Earth expect this one black SUV strolling down I-5.

But guess what Mr. President, if that is even your real name? People didn’t vanish from Earth. They are all stuck on such streets as Denny, Western, Pike, 15th, etc in a deadlock because your royal highness needs not just one lane to himself, but the ENTIRE FREAKIN’ FREEWAY!

You aren’t even doing anything here that helps the economy. I’ve never once seen you at the Aquarium, Pike’s Market or at a Mariners game helping out the local interests. Oh no. Every time you come here you go straight to Bill Gates house and beg for money. You are sort of like a stray cat and Bill keeps setting the milk outside for you to lap up. So as a side note, stop enabling him Bill! People actually want to get home on time.

Don’t you have some work to do? I mean you are the president. Isn’t there some bill to draft, some Republican to offend, or maybe even some other city that has better traffic flow so your abrupt arrivals won’t be so damaging to the traffic ecosystem?

You also have a nice big White House. Why leave it? If I lived there, I would fix it up real good, maybe even have a pool table. But nooooooo. You have this insatiable urge to not only leave your friendly confines, but stay in my area and disrupt my everyday life. Have you ever thought about how this affects me…..even once?

I know all of these precautionary measures are so people won’t murder you. But how important are you now? I mean you only have a few months left at this job, you are not even allowed to select a Supreme Court justice despite it being a major part of your job description, you had 8 years to close Gitmo and you can’t even do that. You you still really need that much detail?

I know the Emerald City is an awesome place to be and you will come back soon enough to hound Bill for even more dough. But next time, please leave your posse behind. I’ll even buy you a drink. Deal?

• The Spew