It’s ‘America Week’ at the Spew! To celebrate the birth of our country, this week is dedicated to what I like to call ‘The Greatest Country in the World! Or at least top 5 percentile…’

For those who say this dedication is a week late, I say ‘I didn’t know there was a time limit for loving my country, dammit!!’ So shut up and read on……

I love America. I also think it is safe to say everyone in the world loves America as well.

In fact I am so confident about American being #1, I am going to look up the most current world ranking (published by US News and World Report) for 2016:

Wait…what? #4? How can this be?

Britain #3 is a joke. Other than the fact their nation is split on whether to be in the EU, their soccer team can’t even beat a country of 300,000. Your love for the royal family is weird and off-putting, sort of like the new Dr. Who. Also I am sure food was not a metric used in the scoring of these nations.

Canada #2? America’s hat? Other than the fact it is a nation that can’t even pronounce ‘about’, when was the last time Canada innovated something since the Zamboni. And Canada, can you please explain Quebec? What the hell is up with that place.

And finally, Germany…we meet again. You guys are #1. Damn you Germany. Your long term plan has finally come to fruition: shoot the Archduke, lose a world war, hate on Europe, lose another world war, get everyone to feel sorry for you and send you money to rebuild, let the US and the USSR waste money in an arms race, and sneak up behind the scenes and claim the #1 spot by 2016. Oh Germany, you are soooo cunning. This ploy is Emperor Palpatine-esque. But I refuse to concede you are #1!

Obviously US News and World Report (like anyone actually reads this rag) has a heavy towards the ‘World’ part and not enough towards the ‘US’ element. I looked at the scoring system and nowhere is goofy reality TV, quality of chili cook-offs, or excellence in murder trial sensationalism accounted for.

America is like the cool guy at school; everyone is envious of him yet all want to be him. Yes, we flash our letterman’s jacket around campus, we act like we own the world, and that can ruffle feathers.

But we sort of do own the world. I don’t see Canada doing much about ISIS. Where is the UK when it comes to providing relief funds for countries hit with natural disasters? And Germany, explain David Hasselhoff. Just try to explain that to me.

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

So to you US News and World Report, I say FIE! Your ranking system is weak, unscientific, and downright wrong. Until you publish the US as #1, the Spew will never officially regard you as a credible media outlet.

Unless you ask nicely…..