There is an international epidemic; one so ubiquitous it haunts us all yet one so under-reported it looms a specter in the night, watching us undress without our knowledge.

Apparently no one in this entire world can drive well.

Yes, absolutely no one on God’s green earth has the hand-eye coordination, the attention span, or a basic understanding of the laws of the road to operate a vehicle with even a modicum of adeptness.

According to a recent published poll by the Spew, a poll conducted over 30 years, not one person mentioned a city, state, country, or culture that can drive a car/truck/motorcycle in a way that is satisfactory to the surveyee. In fact, over 80% polled even went out of their way to say ‘no one here can drive at all’ (‘here’ being a place they referenced earlier).

Some specifics of the poll:

• In Phoenix, everyone drives too fast.

• In LA, everyone drives waaaay too fast.

• In Tucson, everyone drives too slow.

• In Seattle, no one can drive in the rain.

• In Boston, no one can drive at all.

• In Mexico, people drive over medians.

• In China, people actually just hit other cars and zoom away.

This is an amazing find. I mean think about the chaos and mayhem that exists right outside your door. This is a miasma of danger and uncertainty that each one of us licensed drivers have to face on a daily basis. However the odds of dying in a car wreck is 1 in 606 for a lifetime (1 in 47,718 in a year).

How we have all survived to this point must be an act of God. With this much utter incompetence littering our streets, these slims odds must be a miracle. Just remember to never drive faster than your guardian angel.

• As an interesting side note: not one person surveyed considered themselves a bad driver. In fact, nearly all 100% polled deemed themselves as ‘very good drivers’. I guess we are all lucky that there are at least a few competent folks behind the wheel.